Gooseberries!

It's like picking stuff out of a rattlesnake's teeth. Hope they're worth it.

Finished: Koontz 'One Door Away from Heaven'

This was one of my least favorite Dean Koontz novels. It's 600 pages, of which the last 200 were a slog.

What kept me reading was the search for the answer to the riddle posed about a third of the way in: What will you find behind the door that is one door away from Heaven? The answer to the question was a quagmire of philosophical gobbledygook that flew so far over my head it died for lack of oxygen.

I thought maybe I missed something so I Googled it, and it seems I'm not alone among Koontz fans who were disappointed that there wasn't a better answer. Oh well. Even a disappointing Koontz novel is still better than most others out there.

I give it a 6- on the Haugenometer.

This book was written 15 years ago, so maybe Dean was going through a phase, but it's difficult to find an adjective he didn't use in this book. Multiple, strings of them. Like the Griswold house at Christmas. If you need to tell me the color of the carpet, just do. Tell me it's red. Don't spend two paragraphs describing the color, feel and odor. I don't care.

Maybe others do. I don't.

Kale chips ahoy!

Never thought I'd be a fan of kale chips but wifey bakes up an awesome version. The saltiness hits the spot after a workout. Picked this bunch this morning because it got a little dinged up by hail earlier this week.

Kronykal on: The Internet of Feels

This is good. Take my word for it. Read it. And you should be following Jester on Twitter if you care about national security.

If you’re a friend of mine, I got your back. Period. That doesn’t mean I’m going to turn a blind eye if I find out you have a basement full of dead bodies, but it does mean I’ll go to you first, talk to you, and then walk with you in to the police station. I’ll be armed, of course. I’m not stupid…

That's pretty much my thinking too

Rollin' with the flow

I'm quite use to life's ups and downs, but man this last couple months have been crazier than usual. It's ranged from, for example, words you don't want to say: "Ma'm, could I borrow your fire extinguisher?" To words you don't want to hear: "Mr. Haugen, we just can't seem to figure out what's wrong with your septic tank."

Seems every bit of good news is followed by some bad news with then some good news thrown in, just to tease again. It's ranged from sick dogs to the vet, blown transmissions, Twins sucking, flat tires, kid with severely sprained ankle, fender bender, kid with mono, leaking water pump, kid with speeding ticket, septic tank backed up on graduation morning, mother with kidney removed, etc. That's just the highlights off the top of my head.

Fortunately, it's all turned out okay for everybody except the check book.

So let me count a few blessings instead.

Just as our nest empties, wifey and I are excited that our oldest niece is moving to Rapid City with her husband and kids next month. And just when St. Thomas More thought they were done with my ugly mug.

Also, next month our Finnish friends will be visiting us for a week or so. He was a foreign exchange student with my wife's family when she was in high school and we've become great friends. Ismo is THE biggest Prince fan I know and would put him up against any other. He's the dude who got me into Prince's house for the Purple One's 40th birthday party. I look forward to grieving and jamming with him.

As for the kids, Katie continues to shine as an aide to Senator Mike Rounds but will be moving East River this fall, staying on staff, just in a new role.

Rylee is home for the summer and working at Rapid City Regional Hospital's preschool/daycare. She will return to that college in Brookings this fall to finish up her K-8 teaching and Special Ed degrees. The mail just arrived notifying me of another trip to the Dean's List for her. I never knew what that List was back in my day, but I'm told it's a good thing.

Luke is enjoying an internship in the Rapid City Mayor's Office for the summer and is in all his glory working for a private security firm in town, as well as catching some hours at his sporting goods gig in the Mall. He's heading to Minnesota State-Mankato this fall and hopes to have a fulltime job involving a Glock and a badge in a few years.

All three kids are also blessed with significant others we are quite proud of too, for which I give total credit to my wife, who led by example and set the bar quite high with the decision she made.

So, things are actually good in the Haugen hood, really good, though you tend to forget that when your engine is on fire or you're wet vacuuming sewage out of your utility room.

Lightning strike by our home

'Too many clowns, not enough circuses.'

I use this phrase more and more it seems. And it doesn't look set to expire any time soon, unfortunately.

Hot stuff

Notes, quotes and stuff:

*** Nick Lowrey at the Pierre newspaper has an interesting story, The human monster: How a suspected serial killer was arrested in Stanley County.

 Kunnecke evidently didn’t believe in paying ranch hands. He could just as easily, and far more cheaply, bury them on the rolling plains of western South Dakota.

*** James Patterson says he’ll “disrupt” reading by writing shorter books. Good to see Patterson getting on the Haugen Express.

*** Thought this was a pretty funny line from Jonah Goldberg in his weekly email, regarding Hillary Clinton and breaking the glass ceiling: 

"Oh sure, she’s a woman in the biological sense, which is kind of ironic given that her becoming the presumptive nominee comes at the precise moment we’re being told that biological sexual categories are just another way for the evil patriarchs of the Pale Penis People to keep everyone down. Maybe Donald Trump should declare he’ll be the first woman president, too?"

 *** And then there's the crime fighting English professor who helped bring down the Unabomber. Go English majors!

*** Here’s an interesting look back at the Rapid City flood of 1972 that killed 238 people and some speculation of whether it could happen again. Spoiler: It could.

*** I don't subscribe to Tidal, but if you do you're a lucky funky dude.

*** While watching the Muhammad Ali funeral I thought of the irony. Seems many of the same people who revere Ali’s decisions of religious conscience, are often most hateful of decisions others make based on their conscience. Little Sisters of the Poor, anyone? 

Confession, I'm a hater

I hate peas. Always have, always will. I hate the smell of peas, the sight of peas, even typing about peas. I hate them worse than any food I've ever tasted. Cooked or in salad, you can't hide them from me and I hate them.

When I was a kid my parents had rule that you had to clean your plate at mealtime. But when peas were on that plate, eventually the rule changed to "you have to at least try everything on your plate." That still wasn't good enough for me because I wasn't touching those detestable things, and before it was all said and done it became "you have to eat one pea."

I would sit at the table staring at that one damn pea on my plate when everyone else had finished and even while my mom and grandma were doing their dishes. I sat there adamantly refusing to swallow that filthy, gritty, slimy vegetable. Eventually, I'd win and Grandma would say: "Fine, just go."

So, thankfully, God made snow peas a few years ago. I don't know where these things were when I was a kid but they would've saved me a lot of trouble. Because I love these things. Raw, buttered, sautéed, in Chinese food, love 'em.

And they are easy to grow. And when you've got that long-winter itch, they are also one of the first things you can plant in your garden because they love the cool weather.

So mine are blossoming this week and should be picking some in a few days. I will be enjoying every bite and wishing my grandma had planted them instead of the putrid balls of green pus people call garden peas.

Gettin' stinky

Shasta daisy

^^^ If everybody in the world only watched 1 television show a day, and that show was Baseball Tonight, the world would be a better place. Tonight it was brought to you by the new Ninja Turtle movie. Did you know it's rated PG-13? Seriously? Is Donatello dropping F bombs now? Brief nudity from April?

^^^ For you harder core baseball fans, especially with fantasy teams, here's a cool site for when you're trying to determine at the last minute whether Yasiel Puig is in the Dodgers lineup (or anybody for that matter). It has the team lineups as they are announced.

Link-oh-yes-it's-June-oh-rama

Here are some notes/quotes/anecdotes to peruse while that thunderstorm passes over (never end a sentence with a preposition):

*** Interesting story on Pine Ridge schools and NFL team nicknames:

When I ask Cecilia Fire Thunder, former president of the Oglala Sioux, about the teachers fired from Wounded Knee, she dismisses the controversy: “I don’t think any of them were Native.” Ms. Fire Thunder is also skeptical of Native teachers educated in universities outside the reservation, saying “they are too white. They think Western.” 

Students on Pine Ridge might be interested in that “Western way of thinking” because it could help them out of poverty, but they have few alternative places to learn. The Red Cloud Indian School, a Catholic institution, sends most of its graduates to college each year and charges less than $100 in tuition. But the tribal leadership has done everything it can to hinder the school’s progress, even imposing a special 2% tax on its teachers’ incomes, according to Ms. Fire Thunder. 

*** I've been wondering lately if these college campus censors and free-speech antagonists are really a thing. Are they made news-worthy because they are so rare and obnoxious? Or are they news-worthy because it's becoming a trend? Are the majority of universities so close-minded now, or are these incidents like the recent one at DePaul just anomalies?

I like to think that a dozen students, and a couple stupid faculty members, are not indicative of the 23,000 students enrolled at DePaul. Just like a bad cop or a sex-offending teacher are only news because good cops, good teachers and normal people don't make headlines. I hope this is the case, because if I were to take this incident and extrapolate it campus-wide, it would appear DePaul's academic environment is becoming as dismal as its once-proud men's basketball program.

*** The secret life of Kim Jong Un’s aunt, who has lived in the U.S. since 1998

They can reveal, for example, that Kim Jong Un was born in 1984 — not 1982 or 1983, as has been widely believed. The reason they’re certain? It was the same year that their first son was born. “He and my son were playmates from birth. I changed both of their diapers,” Ko said with a laugh.

***The Tactical Order of Dressing: An Illustrated Guide (as taught to military and emergency personnel). The best part of this story is the photo accompanying it.

*** Drone swarms are the next big thing in drone warfare. The Navy is testing swarms of drones that fly as one.

*** Quick vid on what to do if you are bitten by Katie Couric.

The Garden of Haugen

It's Sunday, dig it!

Junior's baseball season is done so my windshield time can be replaced by blogging time. The plan is to get into a regular routine. I'm going to shoot for some gardening stuff here every Sunday and some booky/doggy/linky stuff during the week. Time will tell.

I generally don't plant tomatoes and peppers until Memorial Day weekend, partly because it doesn't warm up until then. But this year my weekends were filling up fast so I gradually started planting two weeks ago. Most stuff just sits there until the ground gets warm enough - no harm no foul, as long as it doesn't freeze. The tomatoes (40 of them) seem to have taken off well though, while the peppers and eggplants took a pretty good beating from the wind and are going to need some TLC, though Lisa "Lefty Eye" Lopez isn't going to be much help.

A few years ago I started planting my tomatoes sideways. It seems odd at first, but that fall when I pulled up the plants it was obvious the root system was crazy better than the old way. The only thing you have to be careful of is while bending the plant so the last third of it sticks up without snapping it off. There's usually a victim or two in the bunch, but the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Also, I've always been the type to break off the suckers on the tomatoes, but this site says not to and seems to provide good reasoning, besides being lazy. Gonna give it a try this year as more than anything I'm trying to reduce susceptibility to disease.

The tomatoes have landed

This is a big day in my house or at least in my corner of the house. The tomato seeds arrived!

I’ve turned into a bit of a tomato snob the past few years and pretty much plant only heirloom tomatoes I start from seed. No more grocery store parking lot greenhouse tomatoes for me, even though they usually grow and taste just fine. Heirlooms offer more variety, colors, shapes, sizes and tastes. I also like the challenge of starting them from seed and becoming the most popular guy in the neighborhood, albeit for a very short time, when I give away the extra plants.

I buy mine from Gary Ibsen at TomatoFest, but this year missed out on the half-price sale. That’s really no big deal because I have more money than Trump anyway. I bought 10 packets, as I still have some seeds left over from last year. But I needed to replenish my supply of four varieties that I’ve had good success with: German Giant, Gigantesque, Black Prince and just plain ol’ Black.

Good ol’ Gary threw in a free bonus pack of Nebraska Wedding tomato seeds. Supposedly, this 4-inch orange-colored tomato was used in Nebraska churches as both a garnish and a decoration to “predict a prosperous marriage.” Whatever the heck that means. Crazy Nebraskans.

In choosing my new varieties I look at size (medium to big, no more cherry size for me), variety of color (red, pink, purple, yellow), number of days to harvest and, most importantly, a cool name.

So this year’s newcomers include: The Earl of Edgecombe, Cosmonaut Volkov Red, Josephine Carter, Buckbee’s 50-Day, Carbon and Banana Legs.

I usually start the seeds in my greenhouse about St. Patrick’s Day with the intention of putting them in the ground on Memorial Day weekend, give or take a week.

I’ll keep you informed on our progress, because I know you care.

Bored? Then you're probably a boring person

So these dudes came up with a list of boring places in South Dakota. To do so, of course, they had to define "boring." It may or may not fit your idea.

I'm guessing the fine folks at RoadSnacks who compiled this list are young-uns, millennials, who think if your city doesn't have a Justin Bieber concert or nightclub with appearances by Afrojack then it is a boring city.

Here's their criteria for judging "boring."

% of Population Over 35 (higher is more boring) 

% of Married Household (higher is more boring) 

Average Age (higher is more boring) 

% of Households With Kids (higher is more boring) 

% of Households with People Over 65 (higher is more boring) 

Population density (lower is more boring) 

I'm guessing they find outdoor recreation, high school sports, and Christmas concerts boring. They prefer traffic, no kids, no old people and the single hook-up culture. Back in "the day" I might've agreed, but have grown a bit wiser. They probably will too.

That's fine. To each their own. But they've obviously never been to a small town bar packed shoulder to shoulder after a high school football game. Drunks at a rave got nothing on drunks at the Corner Bar. They've never been pheasant hunting. They've never been to a Winner-St. Thomas More baseball game where virtually every game is meaningful and comes down to the last at-bat. They've never golfed. They've never reeled in a walleye. They're not interested in history.

Here is their lame top 10 list. I've spent time in all of these towns, some more than others, and wasn't bored.

1 - Custer (They've obviously never read the sheriff's report in the Custer County Chronicle, fun times indeed. They carry torches and burn a giant wooden beetle every winter for goodness sake. Boring people don't do that.)

2 - Milbank (The birth place of American Legion baseball. What have you ever birthed?)

3 - Redfield (30-foot-tall pheasants that will kick your ass.)

4 - Winner (Jim Palmer would not have played baseball in a boring city.)

5 - Hot Springs (I guess if you find wild horses, war heroes and giant wooly mammoths boring, then ok.)

6 - Lead (Drive the streets of this town in December or January and I guarantee you won't be bored. Neutrinos and dark matter, boring? Sheldon Cooper thinks not.)

7 - Elk Point (okay, I'll give you this one)

8 - Chamberlain (Walleye will jump in your boat and spit in your eye.)

9 - Canton (The Wheel. Case closed.)

10 - Flandreau (No town with an Indian casino is boring.)

So if hunting, baseball, golf, fishing, history, sense of community and listening to the stories of our elders is boring, sign me up. I'll take boring any day. At least wave when you drive through, because we'll even wave back, maybe even use all our fingers.

Weekend link-ohhhh-rama

Been a while. What can I say, I've been busy watching all the movies nominated for Academy Awards. Just kidding, haven't seen a one.

So, actually, I was boycotting the Oscars before boycotting the Oscars was cool. Trend-setter I am.

Some quick links:

** Whassup with this Omaha mayor? Op-ed from OWH.

** Speaking of snow, House Speaker Paul Ryan put up a snowcam from the Speaker's balcony with some sweet bumper music.

** I'm just going to throw this out there without comment: Why can't we find aliens? Because climate change killed them, of course.

** But ... the good news is, forests like CO2 and are doing fine.

** ESPN's uncertain future is already here. And it doesn't look good.

ESPN is hemorrhaging subscribers and money. In a November regulatory filing, the network revealed that it has lost seven million subscribers over the past two years. While every popular TV channel has lost subscribers, the losses for ESPN and ESPN2 are among of the highest in the industry — and the most costly.

And the book of the year, decade, evah is ...

Before we get too far into the new year, I wanted to mention the best book I read in 2015. It is also one of the best books I've ever read.

Life Expectancy is a 2004 novel by Dean Koontz. I read it last month and savored every page. Koontz is a genius. Most authors would be lucky to have as many twists and turns in an entire novel as DK has in each chapter. It hits practically every emotion.

I was enthralled by it. Thought about it during the day, anxious to get home to read it, but not so fast that I finished it too quickly. Wanted to savor it.

Goodreaders give it a high 4 out of 5, while the Haugometer hit 9 of 10. Here's the Goodreads summary. Makes me want to read it again.

Jimmy Tock comes into the world on the very night his grandfather leaves it. As a violent storm rages outside the hospital, Rudy Tock spends long hours walking the corridors between the expectant fathers' waiting room and his dying father's bedside. 

It's a strange vigil made all the stranger when, at the very height of the storm's fury, Josef Tock suddenly sits up in bed and speaks coherently for the first and last time since his stroke.

What he says before he dies is that there will be five dark days in the life of his grandson—five dates whose terrible events Jimmy will have to prepare himself to face. The first is to occur in his twentieth year; the second in his twent-third year; the third in his twenty-eighth; the fourth in his twenty-ninth; the fifth in his thirtieth. 

Rudy is all too ready to discount his father's last words as a dying man's delusional rambling. But then he discovers that Josef also predicted the time of his grandson's birth to the minute, as well as his exact height and weight, and the fact that Jimmy would be born with syndactyly—the unexplained anomal of fused digits—on his left foot. Suddenly the old man's predictions take on a chilling significance. 

What terrifying events await Jimmy on these five dark days? 

It will have you on the edge of your seat in suspense, then when that subsides you will fall off your seat laughing at another sequence. This book is utter brilliance.

One of the more thought-provoking quotes from the book was:

“We need to laugh at the irrationality of evil, for in doing so we deny evil's power over us, diminish its influence in the world, and tarnish the allure it has for some people.”   

I think there's a lot of validity to that. Not that they are evil people, but I think of the Bundy dudes who took over a vacant building in Oregon to protest. There aren't even any cops there fighting with them. It's like if you threw a party and nobody came; they threw an insurrection and government was like "okay, have the building. Oh, and by the way, we're cutting off your power."

I think Koontz is saying if we don't get so wrapped up with, enamored with, afraid of and obsessive over evil, it won't have as much power over us. When evil throws a party, do Jell-O shots with it.

Koontz is big on personal responsibility:

“As they have taught me, I believe that without asking, we are given all we need. We must have the wit and wisdom to recognize the strengths and tools at our command, and find the courage to do what must be done.”

And good versus evil:

“The stakes were suddenly so high that we wanted out of the game. When you’re playing poker with the devil, however, no one leaves the table before he does.”